My Relationship Guide

About Me

I spent my early years making art and many years immersed in writing, fiction, and journalism, and I've always been drawn to what helps people grow into their best selves. From ages 18 to 25, I taught the eight limbs of yoga, then went on to become a health coach. From there I moved into Montessori education, where I learned how humans develop over time and how environments can support learning, awe, and healthy childhood relationships, preventing the deep wounds that so often carry into adulthood. After this, I spent many years in rigorous personal growth work and physical training, often pushing myself far outside my comfort zone. That season shaped my worldview and still keeps me humble. I'm grateful for it. But I don't feel the need to live in constant self-interrogation anymore. I've been done with that phase for about a decade. These days I'm more interested in presence than performance, integration rather than striving, and building a life that feels steady, warm, and real. I eventually built my own creative business, then landed the job of my dreams as an Art Director at a publishing house focused on personal growth, psychology, and spirituality. From there, I carried that same human-centered lens into healthcare UX, designing for ADA, inclusive systems, and human factors, with a focus on research and new product development to support nurses and caregivers, reduce burnout, and lower patient risk in complex clinical environments. A few years ago, serious health issues changed the shape of my life. I stepped out of work completely and spent the past year helping care for my grandparents, finding that the most useful thing I could be in this phase was someone who could help them navigate the stress and complexity of their last years. It dissolved the five-year plan I had been building toward and taught me how to live without a guaranteed script for home, family, or the future. At heart, I'm a genuine, habitually self-reflective, serious goof who loves real collaboration. I'm a little elegant, quite scrappy, and somehow humble and full of myself at the same time. I want to make meaningful, beautiful, sometimes ridiculous things with people who care about bringing more love into the world. I'm quirky, a little crass, a little refined, and very real. I make all kinds of things, and I value intention. I need a solid reason to show up. This chapter has been about healing, recalibrating, letting go, finding my way in a new city, and investing in friendship, community, and real connection. I'm still creative, embodied, curious, and future-oriented, even if I can't go as hard or as long as I used to. I've done most of my traveling in this lifetime and now enjoy a pretty simple, slow-paced life. I love movement, art, depth, laughter, and meaningful conversation. I'm not in a rush, but I am open to building something real. I'm a dog-mama and a vilomah. I've been embracing my graying hair and carry a slightly buff, hourglass body. I'd love more chances to dress up, but day-to-day I'm pretty loungy or sporty, with little to no makeup. I usually look better without it anyway. The first thing people notice about me is my very expressive face. The second is probably that I leave cupboards and drawers open by accident. I really do try. It drives me crazy too. I'm grateful that I can be such an open book. It gets me to my people faster.

What I'm Looking For

I'm drawn to people who are emotionally available, financially responsible, humble, and consistent. I value radical honesty, self-awareness, and real communication. I've done a lot of inner work and healing, and because of that, I'm looking for a secure, emotionally mature partner. I don't have energy for games or emotional fog. It's hard for me to imagine building something with someone who hasn't explored their own patterns or done some personal growth. I work at owning my experience, communicating clearly, and being a good partner. I'm curious about what you learned in your last long-term relationship. I care about humility. I want to know how you challenge your beliefs and grow. I have some health conditions that can be debilitating at times, which means I need a lot of love, care, trust, and steadiness. In return, I offer depth, presence, and real partnership.

A Day in My Life

A perfect, realistic day looks like nine hours of sleep, a three-mile walk, being in flow with work, lifting weights, cooking a healthy dinner, and seeing my bank account grow instead of shrink. Talking with friends, writing something creative that lands, reading together in bed or listening to a dharma talk, and falling asleep before 11:30. My happy place is hot yoga with yin afterward. Sleeping long enough to remember my dreams. And waking up to hugs and kisses and coffee already made. I can't live without coffee on a timer, or someone bringing it to me in bed.

What Lights Me Up

I'm passionate about alternative education like Waldorf and Montessori, intentional art, nutrition, horticulture and wildflowers, psycho-spiritual practice, meditation, and fitness. Things that always cheer me up: Napoleon Dynamite, hot yoga, singing at the top of my lungs in the car, South Park, and tickle fights. When I'm sad: being silly with girlfriends, cuddles. When I'm uninspired: flow states, physical challenges, inspiring people. Pain: long massages, yoga, intense movement, or a deep nap. Relationship frustration: talking and hugging. Apathy: lifting weights. Anger: cleaning like a madwoman or painting in big, vicious strokes. Always: loving-kindness meditation.

Looking Ahead

Five years from now, I'll be eating the fruits of investing in myself and in quality people. I'll have more peace with whatever is, even when it's hard. I will have six-pack abs for sure. I dream of a cozy cottage homestead that becomes an art project. I'm thoughtful about not trading my health for a crushing mortgage.

What Helps Me Feel Safe and Connected

If you are someone I am building, or considering, a long-term relationship with, this is just a quick note about what usually helps me feel safe and connected. The rest of the guide goes into more detail.

• Clear, steady communication around coming and going, time offline, and hard conversations helps my nervous system relax. Sudden silence or disappearing without context is especially hard for me.
• Because of my history with medical, work, and relational stress, rough patches in those areas can hit me harder. Simple check-ins like "I'm here" or "We'll figure this out together" go a long way.
• I don't expect you to be my therapist or my only support.

Enjoying Shared Time

Fundamental for a positive, fulfilling partnership.

• Let's prioritize activities and time together that generate joy, creativity, and meaning for both of us. Positive psychology research (Seligman, 2002; Lyubomirsky, 2005) shows that shared positive experiences strengthen emotional bonds and increase long-term well-being in romantic partnerships. Intentionally creating moments of awe, beauty, delight, and co-creation supports emotional intimacy and mutual appreciation.
• Schedule regular quality time together.
• Engage in activities both partners enjoy.
• Research context (Gottman): John Gottman's longitudinal research with couples highlights that regularly investing in shared time and everyday rituals of connection is associated with more stable and satisfying relationships. Popular summaries sometimes talk about a certain number of "magic" hours per week, but the core message is about consistent turning toward each other, not a specific percentage change.
• Citation: Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Letting Go of Concerns Sometimes to Enjoy Life

Promotes a sense of freedom and joy.

• Plan spontaneous activities or trips.
• Allow for carefree moments together.
• Research context (Lyubomirsky): Work by Sonja Lyubomirsky and colleagues on intentional positive activities shows that regularly engaging in enjoyable, meaningful experiences can boost happiness and well-being over time. These studies focus on individual well-being, but similar practices are often used in couples work to strengthen shared joy and connection.
• Citation: Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K. M., & Schkade, D. (2005). "Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change." Review of General Psychology, 9(2), 111–131.

Sharing Lots of Activities

Strengthens connection through shared experiences.

• Try new hobbies or activities together.
• Make time for regular shared experiences.
• Research context (Aron): Arthur Aron and colleagues found that couples who take part in novel and exciting activities together report greater feelings of closeness and relationship quality compared with those who engage in more routine tasks. The research supports the idea that doing new things together can refresh a sense of "us" without claiming a fixed percentage increase in satisfaction.
• Citation: Aron, A., et al. (2000). "Couples' shared participation in novel activities." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17(1), 67–85.

Sexuality

A shared commitment (such as monogamy) can provide a stable container for exploring different phases of a relationship over time. What matters most is clear agreement and ongoing consent between partners.

• Talk explicitly about what commitment means to each of you.
• Revisit agreements periodically as life and needs change.
• I believe that a relationship needs to be steady and healthy for at least ten years before an open relationship can be considered if one or more partners wanted that. In short, I don't believe they fix anything. But I don't know everything.

Recognizing and Supporting Each Other's Gifts

Fosters mutual appreciation and personal development.

• Regularly acknowledge and praise each other's strengths.
• Set goals together to enhance these gifts.
• Research context (Algoe): Sara Algoe and colleagues have shown that everyday expressions of gratitude in romantic relationships are linked with higher relationship quality, stronger feelings of being valued, and greater willingness to be responsive to a partner's needs. The emphasis is on consistent, specific appreciation rather than any fixed numerical gain.
• Citation: Algoe, S. B., et al. (2010). "Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships." Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.

Encouraging Personal Health Routines

Ensures both partners maintain physical and mental well-being.

• Offer to join in on health activities.
• Respect individual preferences regarding health routines.
• Research context: Research in health psychology suggests that when partners support or participate in one another's health behaviors—such as exercise or medical adherence—it can improve motivation and follow-through compared with doing these things alone. Effects vary across couples, so this is best seen as a helpful pattern, not a guarantee.
• Citation: Müller, A. M., et al. (2015). "Engagement in physical activity among married couples." Health Psychology, 34(8), 789–797.

Supporting Family and Community Roles

Strengthens the connection with broader social and family networks.

• Attend family and community events together.
• Discuss and align on roles and expectations.
• Research context: Studies on social integration and mental health show that people who are more embedded in supportive social networks tend to report better psychological well-being. While Hughes and Gove's work focuses on living arrangements and social ties rather than couple satisfaction per se, the findings support the value of staying socially connected as a protective factor.
• Citation: Hughes, M. E., & Gove, W. R. (1981). "Living alone, social integration, and mental health." American Journal of Community Psychology, 9(6).

Healthy Interdependence and Autonomy

Healthy relationships balance togetherness with individual space.

• Encourage each other's independent interests and friendships.
• Create rituals of connection while respecting alone time.
• Communicate openly about needs for closeness and space.

Protective Relationship Agreements

The relational spine

A relationship becomes secure when both partners explicitly agree to protect the bond. Stan Tatkin calls this the "couple bubble," a shared pact to act as one another's secure base and refuge. Secure-functioning couples organize their relationship around fairness, mutual care, and loyalty.

• See ourselves as a team: "If it affects one of us, it affects both of us."
• Use "we" decisions for anything that touches the relationship.
• Aim for fairness and mutual benefit rather than winning.
• Core Agreements (examples): We do not undermine each other in front of others. We share important information quickly, especially anything that could affect trust. We back each other up in public and give feedback in private. We prioritize repair after conflict and do not let ruptures linger when we can help it.
• Boundaries with Others: Together, we decide what is and is not okay with ex-partners, flirtation, private messaging, and emotional intimacy with others. We talk openly about people or dynamics that feel unsafe and agree on how to handle them as a united front.
• Therapeutic Lesson: Instead of assuming alignment, write these agreements down. Ask, "What do we each need to feel protected here?" Revisit them during transitions or when patterns emerge. Safety deepens when both people know the bond is actively guarded.

Healthy Conflict and Repair

Prevents resentment and promotes resolution.

• Take breaks if needed to cool down.
• Return to the discussion with a calm mindset.
• Research context: Daily diary studies of couples suggest that how partners handle everyday stress and conflict—including whether they come back to repair after cooling off—plays an important role in long-term relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being.
• Additional perspective (Tatkin): Tatkin stresses rapid repair as a hallmark of secure-functioning couples. Even if partners need to step away to regulate, the commitment is to return quickly, take responsibility, and restore a sense of "we" as soon as possible.
• Therapeutic lesson: In therapy, we often normalize taking structured "time-outs" during intense conflict—as long as there is a clear plan to return and repair. The healing part is not never arguing; it is being able to circle back, own your part, and reconnect.
• Citation: Timmons, A. C., et al. (2015). "Daily patterns of stress and conflict in couples." Journal of Family Psychology, 29(3), 388–399.

Managing Disagreements Constructively

Maintains harmony and mutual respect.

• Use active listening and other conflict resolution techniques.
• Focus on the issue, not the person.
• Research context (Markman): Relationship education and prevention programs, such as those described by Howard Markman and colleagues, find that couples who learn and use constructive communication skills—like soft start-ups and active listening—tend to experience less distress and more stability over time.
• Additional perspective (Tatkin): Tatkin encourages "win-win or no deal" conflict, where both partners aim for outcomes that feel fair and protective of the relationship. He also highlights the importance of fighting "with eyes open"—staying physically oriented toward each other and using calmer tones to keep the nervous system from tipping into threat.
• Therapeutic lesson: A key shift is moving from "You always…" to "When X happens, I feel Y and I need Z." In session, we slow conversations down, help partners really hear each other's underlying emotions, and practice staying on the same team against the problem rather than against each other.
• Citations: Markman, H. J., et al. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass. Stan Tatkin (2012). Wired for Love.

Co-Regulation and Nervous Systems

Co-regulation is the way partners help each other's nervous systems move from distress back toward safety and connection.

• Notice your own cues of moving into fight, flight, or shut-down (for example: tight chest, raised voice, going quiet).
• Learn your partner's "tells"—the signs that they are getting overwhelmed, anxious, or checked out.
• Experiment with regulating together: slowing your breathing, softening eye contact, using a calmer tone of voice, or gentle, agreed-upon touch.
• Research context: Attachment theory and interpersonal neurobiology suggest that close, responsive relationships shape how our nervous systems manage threat and safety across the lifespan. In adulthood, emotionally attuned partners can help each other return to a felt sense of security more quickly than either might alone.
• Stan Tatkin's perspective: Tatkin describes secure-functioning couples as becoming "experts on each other"—learning what soothes or agitates the other's nervous system and using face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and voice-to-voice contact to send fast signals of "You're safe with me."
• Therapeutic lesson: Instead of only asking "How do I calm myself down?", you can also ask "How can we calm together?" In practice, this can mean agreeing on a few co-regulation moves (for example: a hand-on-heart hug, three slow breaths together, or saying "We're okay, we're on the same team") that you reach for when either of you starts to feel flooded.
• Citations: Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood. Guilford Press. Stan Tatkin (2012). Wired for Love.

More on Safety

I have a history of complex trauma (CPTSD), and certain relational behaviors can be especially distressing like stonewalling, abandonment during medical crises, or prolonged ambiguity. I don't expect perfection, but I do need a partner who can communicate clearly during hard moments and work with me to reduce harm. I don't want/need my partner to be my therapist. But we must be willing to learn each other's pain points so we can co-create a safer bond. The best trauma-informed relationship is one where both partners are learning together.

• Shared language: Talk together about how this shows up for you now—for example: feeling suddenly overwhelmed, going very quiet, wanting to run away, people-pleasing, or "checking out." You only share as much of your story as you want. The key is to name these as nervous-system responses, not as personal failures.
• Predictability and communication: Agree on simple habits that make things feel steadier: clear goodbyes, "I got home" or "I can't talk right now but I'm okay" texts, saying when one of you needs time offline, and checking in if there's a delay. For a trauma-impacted nervous system, unexpected silence, cancelled plans without explanation, or vanishing during a hard time can echo earlier experiences of abandonment or betrayal.
• Feeling safer in conflict: Make a few ground rules for arguments—for example: no threatening to break up in the middle of a fight, no giving the silent treatment to punish the other person, and permission for either of you to call a pause. Every pause comes with a promise to return (for example: "I need 20 minutes to calm down, then I'll come back so we can keep talking").
• Disappearing, stonewalling, and abandonment fears: For many people with CPTSD, the most painful triggers are not about physical touch but about people suddenly pulling away—emotionally or practically. Talk explicitly about what stonewalling, ghosting, or going silent does to you, and agree on what you both will and won't do when things are hard. For example, you might both commit to: no unexplained disappearing, no "cold punishment" with silence, and naming when you feel like withdrawing.
• Plans for triggers: Notice early signs that you are getting overwhelmed, such as tightness in your chest, faster breathing, tunnel vision, going very quiet, or feeling dread around medical, work, or money conversations. Decide together how your partner can respond—maybe by slowing the conversation down, breaking big topics into smaller steps, or saying "I'm here, I'm not abandoning you, we can face this together."
• Repair and responsibility: CPTSD can make reactions bigger for both people. The goal is not perfection—it is repair. After a difficult moment, both partners practice naming their part (for example: "My raised voice scared you" or "My shutting down felt like rejection") and trying again, instead of blaming the diagnosis or using it as an excuse.
• Research context (in simple terms): Trauma and attachment research suggest that steady, kind, emotionally present relationships can gradually offer "corrective experiences"—moments when you expect danger but instead receive care. Over time, these moments can slowly teach the nervous system that closeness can be safer now than it was in the past.
• Therapeutic lesson: A trauma-informed relationship does not turn either partner into a therapist, crisis manager, or sole source of support. The partner offering support is responsible for being as consistent, honest, and caring as they reasonably can be, while honoring their own limits. The partner living with CPTSD is responsible for sharing what is happening inside at a pace that feels safe, seeking their own healing supports (for example, therapy, groups, or trusted others), and taking ownership when their reactions cause harm.

Nightly Connection and Predictability

Rhythm creates safety. Regular check-ins build the felt sense that "my person is reachable." Emotionally Focused Therapy shows that accessibility and responsiveness in everyday moments matter more than any specific quota of time.

• Establish a simple nightly ritual for connection.
• Use technology to stay emotionally reachable when apart.
• Let each other know when you arrive home or need space.
• Therapeutic Lesson: A small question like "How is your heart tonight?" can become a ritual of belonging. What matters is whether each partner can reliably reach the other when closeness is needed.

Embodied Comfort and Reassurance

Attachment research shows that sensitive, warm responses to distress build security. Tatkin highlights face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and skin-to-skin contact as fast signals of "you are safe with me."

• Offer comfort when your partner is overwhelmed.
• Use touch, tone, and presence as reassurance.
• Listen with the goal of understanding, not fixing.
• Therapeutic Lesson: In moments of distress, presence matters more than solutions. Phrases like "I'm here," "That makes sense," and "You're not alone" allow both nervous systems to settle.

Supporting Each Other Through Medical or Aging Challenges

Illness and aging are inevitable. How partners show up during these seasons determines whether the bond feels steady or fragile.

• Talk about health needs and preferences.
• Offer both practical and emotional support.
• Share fears, limits, and hopes.
• Therapeutic Lesson: Couples carry illness together without collapsing into rigid "patient" and "caregiver" roles. Naming vulnerability protects the bond while capacities change.

Caring in Transition

Managing the end of the partnership or major life transitions with care and transparency supports each person's emotional, structural, and financial well-being, and helps create a meaningful conclusion or reconfiguration of the connection.

• Communicate openly about the transition process.
• Provide emotional and practical support where possible.
• Research context: Research on separation, divorce, and widowhood highlights that clear communication, ongoing social support, and attention to practical stability can reduce loneliness and distress during and after a transition.
• Therapeutic lesson: A compassionate transition centers on dignity and clarity rather than blame. In a therapy context, this can look like structured conversations about what each person needs for closure, how to communicate with others, and how to honor what was good even as the form of the relationship changes.
• Citation: Dykstra, P. A. (1995). "Loneliness among the never and formerly married." Journals of Gerontology, 50(5), S321–S329.

Establishing Shared Language and Spiritual Guidelines

Enhances communication and deepens connection.

• Discuss and agree on core values and beliefs.
• Integrate these into daily life.
• Research context: Studies on spiritual intimacy and value alignment suggest that couples who share and openly discuss their core beliefs tend, on average, to report higher marital quality and a stronger sense of shared meaning.
• Citation: Mahoney, A., et al. (2009). "Spiritual intimacy and marital quality." Journal of Family Psychology, 23(5), 582–590.

Creating Meaningful Traditions

Builds a sense of continuity and shared history.

• Create new traditions that reflect shared interests.
• Celebrate these traditions regularly.
• Research context: Reviews of decades of research on family routines and rituals show that predictable, shared activities are associated with stronger family cohesion, smoother transitions, and a greater sense of security for both adults and children.
• Citation: Fiese, B. H., et al. (2002). "A review of 50 years of research on family routines." Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381–390.

Open to Marriage

Supports clarity and alignment around long-term commitment, legal or structural partnership, and the kind of shared life you are choosing together.

• Talk about what marriage or long-term partnership means to each of you in practical terms (time, money, home, privacy, support, sexuality).
• Explore how you each imagine day-to-day life, holidays, crises, and aging together, and where your pictures match or differ.
• Research context: Relationship research suggests that couples who have explicit conversations about commitment, expectations, and shared goals tend to navigate major transitions with less confusion and more satisfaction than couples who rely on unspoken assumptions.

Open to Adopt if Conditions are Right

I'm open to the idea of adoption if conditions are supportive. This would require mutual readiness, long-term stability, and the emotional, financial, and logistical support to provide a nourishing home. The world is changing, and many people I know will likely need help with their kids, yours may too. It feels more meaningful to offer support where it's already needed rather than bringing new children into the world when so many are already here and in need of care. Adoption is a profound, life-shaping commitment that asks for emotional, relational, practical, and community readiness. Being "open to adopt" means being willing to explore this path thoughtfully rather than promising it regardless of circumstances.

• Talk about what adoption would mean for each of you—not just in principle, but in everyday life (time, energy, finances, housing, support systems).
• Explore what "conditions are right" would include for you both (for example: stability in the relationship, mental and physical health, supportive community, trauma-informed resources).
• Consider different forms of adoption (domestic, international, foster-to-adopt, open vs. more closed arrangements) and how each aligns with your values and capacities.
• Research context: Adoption research and clinical practice highlight that adoptive families often navigate additional layers of complexity—loss, identity, and possible trauma histories for the child. Access to support, openness in communication, and realistic expectations are associated with better long-term adjustment for everyone involved.